With Microsoft’s new console – codename Project Scorpio – only a few Marvel movie releases away, I thought it might be a good idea to try and guess what its real name will be. After all, the Nintendo “Revolution” ended up with the name “Wii,” so it’s not like there isn’t precedent for ridiculous name changes during development. If Microsoft ends up using any of these names, I’ll be expecting a sizable check and a warm handshake from Phil Spencer. It’s only fair.
1. Xbox Scorpion
With how many blunders Microsoft experienced with their initial Xbox One release (mandatory Kinect, no ability to use discs, etc.), I wouldn’t be surprised if the name “Scorpio” is the result of delightful serendipity. My thought is the original name was “Scorpion,” but some graphic design intern accidentally read scorpio and plastered that name all over the initial release announcements. By the time anybody noticed, it was too late. If that’s the case, surely they’ll revert back to the original name when the console releases.
2. Xbox 2
Obviously, Microsoft naming their third console the “One” was a bold move. At the time, many thought it didn’t make a lot of sense. By naming their next console the Xbox 2, Microsoft can demonstrate their resolve by really doubling down on the name and projecting a unified front. As I always say, when you make a mistake, do it again: but twice as hard.
3. Xbox 2: Electric Boogaloo
Same thing as above, but this gives the console some real character. Will Ice-T come pre-packaged with your purchase? We can only hope.
4. Xbox 0
Microsoft could stick with their numbers game, but act as if they’ve always been counting down. I can see it now. “From the makers of the 360 and the One, Xbox 0! It’s what we’ve been counting down to for the last twelve years.”
Honestly, I’m a little upset that this hasn’t already been used. It’s very accurate, evokes futuristic mental images, and – most importantly – it just rolls off the tongue. Try it. Say it right now. Good, right?
6. Xbox One Pro
Microsoft could hope that by naming their new console identically to its primary competitor, Sony will just give up. The specs are supposed to be better for Xbox’s new console, and if Sony doesn’t even have a sleek name advantage what do they have? Some stupid Uncharted games? That series is over, Sony.
7. Xbox Pisces
This could really be any astrological sign: including Scorpio. Tying your video game console to horoscopes could pay huge dividends with the astrology community. They’re often overlooked, but I hear they’re real big into Halo. Personally, I’m a Pisces. Also, I love the idea of an Xbox shaped like a giant fish.
8. Halo Box
Maybe it’s too on the nose. Maybe it’s not on the nose enough. Xbox is the console that Master Chief built. Surely, we owe it to him to name the next evolution after him? His fighting style is “combat evolved” after all.
9. Xbox Wii
With a name as good as Wii, why keep it to just one hardware developer? Surely, Nintendo wouldn’t mind.
10. Xbox Scorpio
It makes no real sense, but it’s not like any of Microsoft’s other Xbox names followed logically. Scorpio just sounds cool. And maybe even a little dangerous. Also, Occam’s Razor would suggest this would be the right answer. And who am I to argue with William of Ockham?
No matter what this thing’s named, Q4 2017 can’t come fast enough.